Last week, I talked about journaling and promised to give an excerpt from my own journal. I chose a section from what I wrote on January 26, 2005. Here’s a peek into what I was thinking and feeling over 15 years ago:

I am continuing to write on the story (sidenote: this is my first book, The Treasure of Adonis). I’m on my third time through, revising and editing so it flows smoothly. I think it turned out pretty good. Yesterday I took the bold step (bold for me) of going to a publishing class. It was for self-publishing which is not appropriate for fiction novels. So in some respect, it was not a good class to go to; however, I met other writers and learned a lot about how the publishing world works. It’s pretty scary.

No one has read my story but me. I haven’t had the courage to let anyone see it for fear that they’ll hate it or laugh at me for thinking of it. At the class, for $20, the instructor would critique our work so I paid the money and left my 200+ page manuscript. Now I await her critique to find out if it has merit or is just a bunch of drivel.

Yesterday at the class, there was a woman named Mary from Chicago who recently moved to Spearfish…. She said she was the chronicler of her female line. I don’t know what she was talking about. It was eerie. As we closed our class, we each got to make a “closing” statement and Mary looked straight at me and said, “I’m supposed to tell you this: The jump is so frightening between where I am and where I want to be, Because of all that I may become, I will close my eyes and leap!”

I was moved to tears to hear it. As my 49th birthday came, I felt like I have not achieved all I am supposed to do and if I don’t get busy, it’ll be too late. It’s like I’m not where I’m supposed to be–not physically speaking but mentally and spiritually–at this point in my life. So her message to me, wherever it came from, was moving and very appropriate.

So with a leap, I sent my manuscript for critique. We’ll see where it takes me. I have big dreams that I hope I can follow and make them materialize. God blessed me with many talents that I need to use. How wasteful to ignore God’s gifts to us! As the class instructor said, if we do what we love with passion, then the money will follow. It’s not about the money but using talents and finding a voice. I have lots trapped inside me and it will make me feel better. Might actually make me a better person.

My definition of dreams: something that is achievable with effort and luck. My definition of fantasies: something beyond the realm of possibilities (or dreams) that have no chance of occurring.

I hope my efforts are what’s needed to reach my dreams and that I’m not chasing a fantasy. If I ever get published, I’ll use the name Kacie Green. Kacie is my initials backwards and Green is my maiden name. It feels right for me. I don’t want fame or notoriety, just the ability to do what I love. So it keeps me private, away from that. Besides no one knows how to pronounce Kjar!

I pray to God for guidance and clarity and that He bless us all in all we do. And may all we do be done for His glory.

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